Maybe it’s just the hormones, but while most of the moms-to-be are joyful during their pregnancies, I feel so sad that it makes me physically sick. You know, that unbearable sick sadness that drags you down and throws a black cloak over all positive emotions. It even takes away all the energy I need in the morning, so everything I try to do during the day seems like exhausting ordeals. You don’t need to have a little human inside your uterus to understand what I’m talking about. I think most of us feel it now and then, more or less.
Being pregnant isn’t easy. I know it well. However, from my own experience, I can say that a twin pregnancy is hands down way more harder that a singleton pregnancy.
With each day that passes, I’m one day closer to meeting my little birdies. However, with each day, I’m becoming more and more overwhelmed, exhausted, weepy and anxious. My mood changes from excitement to panic, sometimes many times a day, depending on how I feel physically or what kind of thoughts I have. For example, last week I had so bad hysteria, that in the end I was unable to breathe and it caused me fake contractions. Quite dangerous sadness, huh?
So what’s happening in my mind? I guess I’m afraid. I’m afraid of how the birth of the twins will affect my relatively carefree, easy going life. Sounds selfish? Maybe. Maybe I’m not ready for such challenge, but who is, honestly?
Don’t misunderstand me, I’m very thankful for such gift from above and I’ve no doubts that it’s going to be the most amazing experience of my life. However, now the idea of having twins seems more terrifying than exciting.
How am I going to recover from a C-section while caring for two, no, three babies? What if the twins will be premature? If so, when they will be released from the NICU? How am I going to feed them? How all this fuss will affect my older baby? How my husband will feel when he could no longer fit in the bed? And how the hell I will find time to take a shower?
Our first baby changed our life for the better, however, I’m not sure it will turn out the same way with having three. I think I can cope with a lack of sleep, night feeds, crying, diseases that may appear and other challenges of parenting, that’s all don’t scare me much. I’m even surprisingly confident about the relationship with my partner. I know it’s going to be tough, but we’ll make it. We always do. The thing that frightens me the most is that in all this chaos we can find ourselves unhappy. How I’ll cope with that?
So maybe it’s not just the hormones that drag me down. Maybe it’s upcoming reality.