I’m Not Breastfeeding And This Is How I Feel About It

December 29, 2016
not breastfeeding

Another evening my future mother in law started to talk about how healthy are babies who receive mother’s milk. “I read that those babies become much more intelligent than the ones who were given a formula.” Right after I told her that, according to this, her granddaughter may won’t be first in her class. That’s how she found out that I won’t breastfeed.

Actually, I always knew I won’t do it. Even before I was pregnant. When I pictured myself as a mother, I never had this image in my mind. More over, the idea of it made me feel uncomfortable, even sicken.

All the troubles started when I was carrying my first baby. Many people were curious to know will I nurse. I always denied, and reactions I received were never positive, especially from the “alpha-mommies” who were rolling their eyes and grimacing every time I took out the bottle. Some of them just couldn’t keep their mouth shut.

I remember dinner party with friends, where one woman who just delivered a baby asked me about the breastfeeding. I’ll never forget how she yelled “What? You don’t care?!” in my face with the look like I don’t even deserve to be called a mother. I was crying all the way back home and a few days after.

Did I already mention how cruel some mommies can be?

After that night, every time I had a conversation about the feeding, I used different statistics about mothers who give up breastfeeding shortly after trying (60 percent in France, by the way). I mentioned my vaginal delivery to point out that I did something “normal” and “natural”, but after the questions about epidural anesthesia, I understood that even there I failed. Turned out it wasn’t “natural” enough!

I felt really insecure and embarrassed whenever I couldn’t answer the “Why?” question. Like I already didn’t feel guilty enough, I constantly had to justify myself.

So here I am, doing this again.

I’m not “selfish” or “lazy” and for sure I don’t “put my own needs before baby’s”, and I do “care”. I wish I could be one of these “alpha-mommies”, who don’t sleep at nights and do all the “right” things perfectly. As I wish I could also feel so secure about myself as a parent as they do. However, I’m in another community of “I-don’t-want-to-do-this” formula moms who are left without a chance of being considered as a great parent like these Lactivists, because what I’m doing is not enough.

Now when I see that my baby is healthy and has everything she needs, I feel more confident. I don’t need someone from the outside to tell me that I’m a good mother. However, all the pressure I still continue to receive, whenever it’s another mommy or the article from Smart Parenting, makes me feel concerned about the fact that my baby doesn’t receive all the best. I know what I’m doing is not enough, even if I try to do my best. There’s no need to remind me that.

We can’t affect how other person feels his body. Deciding the best way to feed a new baby is a very personal choice for a woman. Whether she chooses to breast-feed or use formula, feeding time is an important opportunity for a mother and baby to connect with one another.

So, dear super-moms, please stop to bully other mommies who don’t do the things exactly the way you think they should be done. Be confident about yourself as a parent, and there won’t be any need to seek a self-affirmation by putting other people down. I’m sure that my kids will grow up and they won’t even care about the way there were fed. They will care more about the time we spent together being happy.


  • Reply Lisa V December 29, 2016 at 3:50 pm

    Great post. You do what yo need to do to be the best mom you can be. Don’t listen to the “judgy” moms. No one knows what will bond you to your baby more than you. I only breast fed for a few months, and stopped because I’m epileptic and, because of a medication change, it wasn’t healthy for the baby. Every situation is different and no one has the right to tell you differently. By the way, my kids turned out just as smart as their classmates in spite of giving them formula (note my sarcasm). You do what you need to. Trust me, the “judgy moms” will make plenty of not popular decisions down the road. They’ll have their day when people will judge what they do too. Best wishes!

    • Reply yooolka December 29, 2016 at 4:16 pm

      Thank you for your comment! I think I couldn’t formulate it better!!!!

  • Reply meluknows December 29, 2016 at 9:28 pm

    Yes, yes, and Yesssssssssss!!!!!! The “mommy dearest a.k.a Mother knows best” mentality is a form of passive-aggressive bullying. There isn’t a one-size fits all standard of how to parent. I learned that quickly in my 8.5mths of mommyhood.

  • Reply tricestake December 30, 2016 at 1:16 am

    Thanks for sharing! I have similar thoughts with my second coming soon. My first baby was in intensive care and my milk never came in despite trying, pumping, and consulting with numerous lactation specialists.

  • Reply Stefanija February 19, 2017 at 11:39 pm

    Don’t worry, despite me being a c section baby and i was fed formula, I am still “capable” to study medicine.
    Apsveicu Tevi,ar šāda jauka bloga izveidi,
    Jolanta! prieks

  • Reply soontobemumof4 April 23, 2018 at 7:09 am

    I BF my first child for a max of 3 months – very quickly switched to formula as I just wasn’t happy with being a constant milk supply and feeding being solely down to me and pumping the milk out was so painful and to be quite frank i’d been through enough pain- it took 2 to make the baby, i grew her, and now it’s daddy’s turn to help feed and raise her.

    Baby #2 was in NICU for 2 weeks and i had intended to give him my colestrum but it just didn’t work out. I was traumatized from my awful delivery and the fact my baby wasn’t well – my milk just wasn’t coming out. I quickly decided that I wasn’t putting additional stress onto myself when I had an ill child to focus on, another child who was wondering what was going on and a husband who felt helpless.

    The twins- I have no intention of BF my twins when they are born. No desire to have 2 babies strapped to my chest and other children to tend to at the same time. Feeding will be a shared task in my house. No pressure, no stress. Just fed.

    I have certainly had to develop a thick skin since having children- Infact i’ve used this pregnancy as a great excuse to really let people know what I think about their unwanted opinions on how i’m raising my children. HAHA

  • Leave a Reply